Wipe your feet.

1. Pencil Sharpeners are for pencils NOT fingers

2. Electricity is fun NOT when soaking in a bath

3.  Fire drill or no fire drill there will be a panic so learn how to push

4. Before crossing a street after looking left to right, look up

5. Although you can’t see it gravity does exist

6. Dinosaurs don’t understand the word “No” but I like to think they do

7. Caution signs are only there for your amusement, so go ahead live dangerously 

8. When is someone going to come up with a comfortable seat belt?

9. Fishing in a spring is safer than fishing in the spring.  FACT! 

10. Every time you color outside the lines a senior citizen dies

11. Contrary to public belief saying Bloody Mary in the mirror three times in the dark is never a good idea 

12. Wrapped candy is the only candy a parent should test on Halloween.  Better them than me, right? 

13. Never say “LOL” in the same sentence as an apology

14. Fire is fun NOT near a gas station

15. Milk from a cow is delicious Milk from your neighbor is awkward

16. When sexting double check the address before sending

17. When camping never store the food in your tent

18. Don’t tell knock knock jokes at a Kippah

19. Don’t tell knock knock jokes

20. Never shake a strangers hand unless s/he’s introducing one’s self 

21. After making love NEVER leave a tip (lepers excluded) 

Tables that refill your drinks for you.  Why wait!?

A universal car remote that turns off headlights.

Reverse Microwave.  Enough said.

Buttons are like stickers but dangerous.  So be careful. 

Cowbell salt and pepper shakers for when your meal needs more cowbell. 

Have away for babies to be born with pants.  Right now it’s just indecent. 

Without chaos we would have no disorder.

Heat highway pavement solarly in order for snow and rain not to ice or stick to roads.

Personal massager that plugs into a car’s cigarette lighter.

Organic food is great…if you can afford it.  Cheaper to start a garden. 

            When staring at a blank page, the anxiety can be overwhelming.  That is before the fear kicks in.  It’s not the daunting task of finishing, it’s not whether or not the structure of the sentence is written beautifully.  It’s not wanting to let my characters down.  What if they die in a lame way?  What if their thoughts aren’t just.  Every character is a life that I the writer am responsible for. That’s perhaps why it takes 45minutes to an hour to begin writing. 

10. Singer/Song Writer

9. Space Explorer (using Buzz Year technology)

8. Cowboy! Catching outlaws while sleeping under starry skies

7. A Knight who slays dragons and women’s hearts

6. A Fisherman; best-friends with a mermaid and hates pirates 

5. A Magician with an extremely hot side kick who is NOT a tranny

4. A wordsmith like a black smith but with words and employed by Webster

3. A Horse-whisperer (world’s unsung heroes) 

2. Product tester for Nerf Toys

1. Superhero (more guest appearances than saves)

A date is an informal social or romantic appointment; dinner and a movie, a picnic in the park, and so on and so forth.  Now is phone-sex a date?  Well I’m glad you asked.  It could be, if certain events occur before the hang up.  

Is the call pre-determined or unexpected?  Easy, if the call is planned and written down physically with a pen and paper or in a digital calendar then it’s a date.  However, if it’s unexpected, don’t fret there are exceptions! 

Ask yourself, “is this a long distance relationship?”  Living across town is NOT long distance.  If you need clarification on how far is far, ask yourself, “do I need to summon a mythical creature, invent a time travel device, Apparating (for you Harry Potter fans), take a plane, and or bus?  If “no” to any of the examples listed then once again: NOT long distance, just lazy.  But why is long distance important to whether or not phone sex is a date?  The answer is found in rule number 1.9-2: If one chooses to participate in a long distance relationship, pre-planned phone sex is NOT required.

Let’s move on and assume the phone call/conversation occurs suddenly. 

The sex can be justified as a date if prior conversation occurs before anything unzips, unbuttons, rips, and or un- Velcro’s unless of course you prefer talking on the telly with no pants. 

An ideal place for the “date” to take place is in the home.  Correction: YOUR home.  Not your friends, neighbors, parents, or strangers unless you have a cell and tactfully remove yourself to a bathroom (for considerate reasons).  Moreover, I wouldn’t plan to have your phone date during certain events such as: a child’s graduation from elementary school, a funeral, an award ceremony, or Grandma’s 90^th birthday party (awkward).  An appropriate time and place is once again your home.  NOT a payphone at the corner of Vine and Race. 

Now to fully justify the phone sex being a date I would answer the phone in a common area such as the kitchen or living room.  Have a general conservation about you or your partner’s day.  Discuss current news, new music, and thoughts on Jeffrey Rush’s sex appeal…what?  Now you’re wondering, and better yet you shifted to a more interesting topic.  Pour some whine, light some candles (DON’T leave them unattended), and move to a more comfortable place IE the bedroom.  Sit down or stand up, no position is wrong; play music, don’t play music.  On second thought don’t, it may be distracting and make it hard (that’s what she said), to hear your partner on the other end. 

So next time the mood strikes and the feeling of a vice like grip of shame grasps the top of your head, take a breath and say aloud, “Wow, great date.”  Men call the following morning.  Losing a number no longer applies. 

Colors of straws are important to children.  I know it was to my younger self.  I miss having a package with an assortment of colored straws sitting in the pantry.  Waiting patiently for me to decipher, which one will be my method of beverage consumption.  Now in my twenties I find myself bored with my glasses and cans.  The decorative drinking umbrella has had it too good  for too long.  I demand the return of the crazy straw.  The crazy straw was a roller coaster of hydration!  Is our economy in such poor shape we can’t splurge on a few curves and twists and COLOR!  I know it would make kids and adults alike smile, as if everything’s right in the world.  Now excuse me well I take a sip of water out of my boring mug and cry.